I don’t believe that there is any greater tragedy in life than the loss of a child. While this has never happened to me directly, I have witnessed this horrific event far too many times through the eyes of my friends, my clients, and my extended family. Although I can never actually put myself in their shoes, my heart breaks as I attempt to empathize with these bereaved parents. The death of a child is an injustice! From birth through adulthood, we, as parents lovingly give our children secure roots so they can grow into the people they are meant to be. Then, we reluctantly give them wings so they can freely forge their way into the world with self-confidence, perseverance, and determination.
Soon after a child is born, we as parents begin to hypothesize what our children will become as adults. We ask ourselves, “How will they perform in school, will they participate in athletics, art or academic clubs? Where will they go to college? What profession will they choose? How many children will they have?” Then, if their lives are cut short, darkness descends upon us from which we can never fully recover. We are totally unprepared as the cycle of life is not supposed to be like this!
Grieving is a process, which contains several stages. First, there is disbelieve and denial; then crippling despair from which it appears there is no escape. Later, intense anger emerges and questions ruminate through the parents’ minds: “Why did this happen to my child? Why did God choose to take him? Why didn’t He choose to take people who do evil in the world?” Then, when the anger subsides, the pain gradually diminishes, and love and hope slowly reappear. However, an empty space still remains in the parent’s soul that can never be replenished.
When I was nine years old, Jonathan, a classmate of mine died of leukemia. He was the smartest, kindest, and wisest of all of my peers. As I prayed to God, I recall my initial grief, which was soon followed by anger. That’s when I began to understand that Jonathan was different; he was like an angel, who spread seeds of goodness wherever he went. People became kinder and better when they were around him. Perhaps, Jonathan had already done what God had wanted him to do on earth so He brought his nine-year-old angel to heaven where He truly needed him. When God went to the garden filled with flowers, He chose Jonathan, the most beautiful flower of all. Although, God was thrilled to reunite with him, He too was overwhelmed with sadness as His tears flowed along with Jonathan’s parents’ for their horrific loss.
My view of the world sprouted from the seeds of the death of my classmate and continued to germinate as I grew into an adult. I see life as everlasting and our time on earth is just a fraction of the whole. We lead several lifetimes in different realms as our souls continue to evolve. We travel in groups of souls; families reunite and return to new lifetimes together. Our loved ones, who have passed, remain close by as they await our joyous reunion in heaven.
An anonymous grieving parent expresses a similar view, “They say that time in heaven is compared to the ‘blink of an eye’ for us on earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and so caught up in what they are doing that when he looks behind him, I’ll already be there.”
In the biography of my uncle, Barton Carter, I wrote about the heartache that my grandparents suffered that was evidenced through my grandmother’s diaries, various letters, and an extensive oral history. My grandparents passed through the various stages of grief. Although neither of them was ever able to fully recover from the tragic loss of their son, they both became better people because of the example he set. Barton was an angel as Jonathan had been whose goodness lived on in others, long after they both left this world.
When advising grieving parents, the British Theologian, Richard Hooker suggests, “Think of your children then, not as dead, but as living; not, as a flower that has withered, but as one that is transplanted, and touched by a Divine hand, is blooming in richer colors and sweeter shades than on earth.”
